This Sunday was my first birthday as a working adult. At the beginning of the week I asked my friends to save a Friday or Saturday evening for me to have two different groups of celebratory dinners, but the next day I called it off and promised a party once group restrictions lift a little. Being bound by COVID-19 restrictions of a 5 pax group size exacerbated this feeling of being stuck. I was tired and uninspired. So I told myself instead that I’d spend the Saturday to myself, go do all the things I liked, hit up a cafe, read a book, write a little, buy some sushi, watch a nice movie at home.
This was all working alright until Friday started to roll around. I still didn’t want to arrange a group thing, and I still was tired, but I was starting to wonder if I should ask my closer friends out, because I still did want to feel like I was celebrating my birthday in some way. They weren’t free by that point, and I was starting to feel a bit weird.
That Friday night I felt distant from everyone, knowing full well that everyone was just within reach, that if I called someone or went into my parents’ room to talk they would all happily oblige. But I had pushed them away while secretly wanting their attention. Out of some sadness and confusion I found myself crying.
The next morning, my sister serendipitously messaged early: “I’m free!! Let’s hang out”. I jumped at the invitation. On the bus into town, I found myself articulating to her a kind of uncertainty about how I should approach this birthday. In previous years I had had the space and freedom to be excited, to plan parties or dinners unconstrained. This year I wasn’t feeling that.
Why was that the case? Maybe 22 was starting to become ‘just a number’. Or the environment wasn’t right – work was leaving me drained, and I couldn’t get together the kind of party I wanted.
Then how should I go about interpreting this lack of excitement? My brain was generating these interpretations:
- You’re old enough now that birthdays no longer matter to you, just like how other adults feel about it.
- You’re mature and satisfied for taking care of yourself and having some good alone time.
- You’re disappointed that your friends couldn’t make time or give you all the attention you wanted.
- You’re waving off this weekend and waiting for Phase 3 to roll around so that you can have the proper party you planned.
- You crave company.
- You shouldn’t crave company.
- Actually, you’re just unfamiliar with the situation you’re in, and so your brain is having a really hard time generating an appropriate emotional response.
My sister and I proceeded to have an amazing day out. I ticked off everything I wanted to do, and we returned home with a lot of desserts, bubble tea, and a tray of sushi. I watched Kamome Diner for the 6th time.
My actual birthday rolled around on Sunday. A lot of great things happened, but I felt my mind drift at lull periods to was whether anyone at work would remember my birthday. The bulk of the day passed and there was no message on the workplace Slack, and no cake delivery, so I shrugged it off as me not being a perm staff yet. Internally I was cycling through the list of interpretations above and feeling a little lonely again.
But in the evening, as my parents had finished cooking and regulars for dinner had started coming in (family, family friends, my boyfriend), I saw the “Happy birthday, Joy!” thread post. I was happy.
A cake arrived on Monday morning.
joy wang 
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